Why?

Why?
---------------------------------------------
why oh why dear God
do you make these situations?
Yes I will try..
again and
again
to make things better
with my mother.
You know I will (try)
not knowing why I will
with
patience
kindness
restraint
just like You ask.
But You know it isn't getting any better
and it won't
it hasn't
it never does.
So,
why oh why dear God
do you make these situations?

Try, I will
and
fail, I will
again.
At bat,
I have struck out
for thirty years.
I've pushed that rock uphill
so many times
up so many hills (you know it)
almost every time it rolled back
and put the hurt on me.
Napolean succeeded his seventh time
he had it easy I see.
So,
why oh why dear God
do you make these situations?

So I ask, Is it about strength?
Does each attempt make me stronger
yes, maybe
Does it make me a better person
in the end?
when it ends...
perhaps
perhaps not
Do i do it better the next time?
sometimes
sometimes not
So,
what if I am stronger?
or better
for a moment
or a fleeting few
I am also
battered
worn out
lesser.
So,
why oh why dear God
do you make these situations?

Is it about wisdom, O God?
Sometimes I get to see
the Saint
I could become
and never will
I get
to practice shreds
of that Sainthood
for fleeting moments
between others
much longer
of intensely human anguish
anger
inability
weakness
sorrow.
So,
why oh why dear God
do you make these situations?

Could it be about learning?
At times it's akin to growing up
this process of
adding one painfully acquired insight to
another
linking one pain to the next
this accrual of negative emotions
a narrative of broken stories
damaged people
ugly events...
Sometimes I mistook this for wisdom
thinking maybe, that
I was getting smarter,
deeper
and that these fractured little
shards of my understanding
would rejuvenate the bigger picture
clarify an overarching misunderstanding
infuse a better chemistry and
create a happier tomorrow.
Oh Wait!
maybe that is too much..
Could I get just a few
better moments?
less fleeting
less painful
a theme of betterment
not rushed
even slow and ardous
yet
a step it the right direction?

Nope.

This has been a delusion all along.
So,
why oh why dear God
do you make these situations?

Is it about seeing and insight?
I know
that bringing empathy and understanding to
this incoherence
this unpleasantness
this misery
these multitudes of mis-events, and
to the pain they cause
hasn't given me any relief.
It has been my false belief
that something good will eventually come out of it.
I've consoled myself for all my life that
there must be a reason
a divine home run
that I just can't see
not yet anyway.
And that once I do
it will all change,
transform,
metamorph.
I have now come
to realize
to accept
with finality
that there is no such growth
no closure
no reversion
only more pain
forthcoming.

I don't conclude this bitterly
but I say this through experience....
one that led me through
the sequential history of our pain
moment by heart-rending moment
anguish after anguish
damage followed by damage
...that I have
arrived at
and
been defeated by
its immutabilty
its irreversability
its unreason.

So, dear God
Is that why
you make these situations?











Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Photography and focus

A Meditation on Aging...

On the Bayou